Trailer Time Again - You Stank My Battleship...

We here at tinseltownspeople sometimes get some bad press for bashing desi cinema when it goes on one of its misguided, over the top flights of fancy. Well, we just want to set the record straight that we are in no way insinuating that Bollywood has some sort of monopoly on what is widely becoming a global crusade against basic simian intelligence. And as if to make our point for us, enter the latest (and possibly dumbest) Hasbro Has-been to be brought to life on the big screen - Battleship. Watch the trailer here.

When rumors first circulated that a studio was willing to produce a film based on a game that basically consisted of 7-10 year olds stabbing blindly at either side of a gray board until one of them got bored and fell asleep, I figured it was an elaborate joke, something meant to distract attention away from a far superior product (like a new Pokemon movie, or two hours of Nicholas Cage picking his teeth) that would be unveiled to a collective sigh of relief and a biblical deluge of instant online buzz. Unfortunately, we are not that lucky. Turns out the good people at Universal Studios have decided to spend the equivalent of a small nation’s GDP on what can best be described as “Top Gun Meets Transformers Meets Independence Day... At Sea!” (Though I really prefer the ‘other’ Battleship movie... You know, the one starring Jeff Goldblum).

From what I can gather from the trailer, here’s the setup: Two generic Hollywood mannequins fall in love, and the female mannequin’s haggard sea dog of a father (Liam ‘gotta-pay-the-bills-somehow’ Neeson) objects, most likely because this much plastic-on-plastic action has no place in a children’s flick. But things take a rather hairy turn when, out of f***ing nowhere, an alien battle cruiser jumps out of the sea and starts performing what can only be described as some sort of weird mating ritual that involves leaping around pointlessly in the middle of the ocean and baring its unmentionables to any ship that fancies a peek (not the first time this has happened, mind you). And then Liam Neeson, in the epic B-movie clip of the week, stares gravely at an underling awaiting orders on what weapons to fire and growls “All of them...”

What aliens and silicone implants have to do with the original, innocently boring Hasbro toy meant for ages 7 and up is anyone’s guess. But hey, this is Hollywood, where a children’s toy whose legacy cannot be disturbingly sexualized and/or twisted to insulting extremes (I’m looking at you, Michael Bay) is a toy that’s not worth bringing to life. So grab your coloring books and edible glue, get a signed permission slip from your parents, pin your identity card and handkerchief to your shirt pocket, and wipe the snot off your face (or have mom do it)... it’s summer blockbuster time!

P.S: I probably owe Shahrukh fans an apology after watching this... Compared to this, Don 2 is a subtle meditation on crime!