Bollywood has arrived on the world stage! And no one believes this more than Bollywood itself. No wonder we had another big coming out party last week, with Bollywood’s most blank-faced, silicone enhanced ‘stars’ (Sonam Kapoor was our ambassador for chrissakes!) strutting their stuff at Cannes for all the half a dozen reporters that cared. As a barometer of the world’s acceptance of our unique creative madness, it was, um… underwhelming. Well, no matter, because we here at The Untitled Project believe in more scientific measures of Bollywood’s success, like “What does that one white guy from Queens think about it?”And to answer that question, we present Dave, a fellow tinseltown wanderer from across the bridge (we’ll forgive him for that), who chronicles his journey through on Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s eye-meltingly garish, mind-numbingly long magnum opus – Devdas, and ends up connecting with the film like few of us could hope to... We think the drinking helped…
I'm making this up, but I think never having watched a Bollywood movie and being stoned definitely qualifies you to write a review of Devdas. "But wait," you say, "your lascivious life style seems completely antithetical to the feel good wholesome danciness of Bollywood. And have you even set foot in India? HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN LOVE, BOLLYWOOD STYLE?!" Well that's just the sort of misinformed brash completely off topic-ness that I bring to the table. "Wait more," you say. "I think your presumptuous brand of cultural elitism is bad! Badish, anyway." "Balderdash!" I snap back at you, glad to have the opportunity to show off my newly expanded colonial vocabulary. Sparkly Town Personalities or whoever the heck were nice enough to give me their blog for the day and I intent to use it to the best of my abilities. That is to say, poorly. Down to business!
That's scenic. That's dramatic.
Let's stop for a breather.
Whew.
I took notes through the movie, and in a fit of laziness, decided they would make a fine review. Watch out for spoilers! Except not really because while I had a rollicking good time, if I'm Theseus, I have the nagging suspicion I chopped off the wrong head after getting lost in a maze of weird metaphors... yep. Onward!
"What brings the moon down to earth? To take your breath away." I'm impressed by how touching this sounds despite making zero sense, like any number of drawings on my fridge right now.
"In the flame of the lamp you lit, I was the one that burned." I understand this metaphor less and less.
The prince, Devdas, loves a peasant, Paro. The prince's family don't like it. Classic.
"Woe betide," blah blah blah. Wait, I don't get who this other girl is. Devdas' sister in law? Maybe she wasn't into him after all. She's clearly the bad guy. Why does she care if... No time for motives! Oooo, sexy, he has to make Paro wear a bracelet. Unless I've also severely misunderstood this Freudian metaphor... Is that a cravat? WHAT?! The mom is trying to hook Paro up with an old man? Pure evil.
Side note, I would definitely make out with the moms.
More S&M hints between Devdas and Paro. He sexily pulls a thorn from her foot "No don't force me, spare me." Are they going to do the proverbial "it" before the end of the movie? Is that how these things go down? "No," my friend tells me. "So anticlimactic in that sense. Just a lot of singing and hovering." Not so with Nollywood, she explains. "Then Bob raped Jane. Jane cried. Then the next day Jane had sex with Bob because she thought the rape was indication of interest. And then they lived happily ever after. Not making this up!"
Face slap! I propose a drinking game for Bollywood movies: face slaps and crying. You'd better bring watery beer. Ok, Paro's mom is standing up against this evil plot. That's right, they do love each other! He's sleeping in his billowy shirt and cravat. "I will brook no argument from you." "Nor do i wish to talk to you." (My notes don't say what that's from, but in the interests of including it in my vocabulary from now on, I'll put it in the review.)
Oh no, tension in the true love between Devdas and Paro because she's about to marry somebody else. Figures. Her eyes are Pepto Bismol pink.I guess she was crying. More S&M as Devdas hits Paro. Is that lamp still lit? Aaaaand another dance number. Are they getting married? Oh, no, just holding hands. Fast blinking! Trembling lips! Multiple tears!
Is Paro never going to do it with her new old husband? No? Well why in the world did he marry the beautiful peasant girl then?
"Let alone love, you don't deserve sympathy." oooo, cruel.
Oh wow, now this other hot girl wants to bonk him. Devdas, what is your secret?
This plot just keeps going and going.
Who is this sassy middle aged man, his uncle?
Devdas keeps insulting a prostitute. And now he's drunk and smashing bottles. "Who drinks to stay in control?!" he weeps. Now he's falling down some stairs. Why is this prostitute being so nice to him and putting up with all his crap? Look, if he loves the neighbor girl so much why didn't he just marry her? Why'd he have to not do that and then go yell at a prostitute? Dick. Oh, it's his dad's fault, he says.
But now dad is dying, and Devdas is still drinking. Wait, who is THIS hot girl he's hanging out with? Are they dating now or something? She wants to caress his "chalice." Seriously, how has nobody gotten laid so far? I'm almost 2 hours in. Devdas: drunk at his dad's funeral. Devdas: living in a brothel. This guy is a mess.
Paro's eyes are Pepto Bismol pink again. "Look, here are all the things I stole from you over the years," bleats Devdas, goatily."You're good at math now." "Yes. I am." More crying (drink).
"Now I'm going to burn my house down," rasps Devdas throatily. Speech, mom is crying (drink). This house is out of control. It's enormous! Everybody keeps saying this brothel is "a hell like this," but honestly I don't see what's not to like. The prostitute, Chendramokee, is crying now because Paro is acting not like a bitch.
If this movie is to be believed, people in India walk around beautifully being sexually repressed while crying and dancing about things. "I love Devdas." "I only worship him." Heaven knows why. Now it looks like they're insinuating the three of them could have a threesome, but I know better. Now he's on a boat complaining about his dad. And crying. And then Devdas gets off the boat, accosts a priest, and threatens to kill himself. He walks slowly into the river, still slapstickingly drunk. His chubby uncle friend calls madly after him even though Devdas is still only, like, 2 yards away. Dance number! Lots of colors and catchy music about, "the throb that sways my heart, my soul." Some gloriously mustachioed guy who's plotting something looks menacingly over the banister at the dance number, chewing something. More dancing. Plotting. Ok he springs this thing on them where he's all, "You're a WHORE, and YOU are her PAL!" and she's all, "YOU are a real ASSHOLE! Grandma listen to me." Slap to the face (drink).
Also, I think Chandramukhi (the prostitute) just called conniving guy a sister fucker.
Whoah, old man husband forbids Paro from ever leaving the house. Hypocrite. More Pepto Bismol. Did grandma just threaten to kill her? Oh, no, once again I completely misunderstood the metaphor. By, "put out the fire that destroys your house," she means the literal fire that Paro keeps lit that metaphorically symbolized Devdas but definitely not her love for him as established earlier.
I should learn some of these dance moves.
Wah! Devdas is crying and coughing up blood! The doctor says that alcohol is poison to him so they should try to keep him in a good mood. Fat chance, the dude has been sulking for the last two hours despite multiple devastatingly attractive girls throwing themselves at him.
Anyway, they're crying about it.
"They will call me a courtesan who cannot enact a farce." I guess the logic, let alone the enormity, of this particular situation is failing to impress itself upon me. Devdas finally falls for the courtesan. More crying. "I must meet myself before I lose myself," warbles Devdas. Oh. So I guess he's going to leave this incredibly beautiful girl who can't get enough of him too. Okie doke, now we're on a train with Devdas, chugging across the country while his servant cries about it. Oh no, his jovial chubby poet uncle friend is on the train too and is tempting him to drink!
The cross country jaunt was short lived. The voice over reverbs at him to go die on Paro's doorstep. He falls at her door, breathing his last, and hopefully she'll run there in time to say goodbye. This house is big, so it takes a solid 5 minutes for her to make it to the front door. The gate closed! And now he's dead.
Whew! What a whirlwind that was. It really was beautiful. The music:catchy, the melodrama: melodramatic, the English: colonial, the characters: largely incomprehensible. I have a real sense of...accomplishment. Maybe it was the studious note taking. Perhaps it was the marriage wrecking 3 hour run time. Maybe it was writing a review that, to me, reads in exactly the same style that the movie watches. Would I recommend it? Yep. 3 out of 4 hard-ish lemonades! May your friends stay on fire as long as Paro's eternal flame, and unlike every last character in the movie, may you eventually get laid.
Rating:
What The Devil Is Going On Here?! A Scientific Examination Of Devdas By Dave Smith
I'm making this up, but I think never having watched a Bollywood movie and being stoned definitely qualifies you to write a review of Devdas. "But wait," you say, "your lascivious life style seems completely antithetical to the feel good wholesome danciness of Bollywood. And have you even set foot in India? HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN LOVE, BOLLYWOOD STYLE?!" Well that's just the sort of misinformed brash completely off topic-ness that I bring to the table. "Wait more," you say. "I think your presumptuous brand of cultural elitism is bad! Badish, anyway." "Balderdash!" I snap back at you, glad to have the opportunity to show off my newly expanded colonial vocabulary. Sparkly Town Personalities or whoever the heck were nice enough to give me their blog for the day and I intent to use it to the best of my abilities. That is to say, poorly. Down to business!
Holy crap are these things long. It's been 15 minutes now and finally the movie is starting. No it's not. Also my 2 year old wants pears ("pawes!"). "Here's your pear. Now go to sleep." Yes, the 2 year old is eating pears in bed. Sue me. Alright, credits over, 22 minutes later, the movie starts. Huge sets, over the top acting, singing and dancing... grandma decides what everyone wears? That's weird. Tears, reverb, dramatic dialog, dramatic-er dialog. We're only 5 minutes in! I thought at 3 hours this thing would drag but everyone is talking at a million miles an hour. I can barely keep up with the subtitles. Ooo, two girls are into Devdas. Nice. Wow this girl is cute. Flashback! This girl has had this lamp lit for a solid decade? Another dance number, 9 minutes in. "But my lamp is never doused..." 
We all know what that means. something something WAIT! "my love this lamp is you?!" I've completely misunderstood this metaphor. I thought the lamp was her un-extinguished love. Ok no time to work it out because now I... Wait, is girl... wait what's the... what the what... Let's pretend none of that was important. These girls are very pretty.
That's scenic. That's dramatic.
Let's stop for a breather.
Whew.
I took notes through the movie, and in a fit of laziness, decided they would make a fine review. Watch out for spoilers! Except not really because while I had a rollicking good time, if I'm Theseus, I have the nagging suspicion I chopped off the wrong head after getting lost in a maze of weird metaphors... yep. Onward!
"What brings the moon down to earth? To take your breath away." I'm impressed by how touching this sounds despite making zero sense, like any number of drawings on my fridge right now.
"In the flame of the lamp you lit, I was the one that burned." I understand this metaphor less and less.
The prince, Devdas, loves a peasant, Paro. The prince's family don't like it. Classic.
"Woe betide," blah blah blah. Wait, I don't get who this other girl is. Devdas' sister in law? Maybe she wasn't into him after all. She's clearly the bad guy. Why does she care if... No time for motives! Oooo, sexy, he has to make Paro wear a bracelet. Unless I've also severely misunderstood this Freudian metaphor... Is that a cravat? WHAT?! The mom is trying to hook Paro up with an old man? Pure evil.
Side note, I would definitely make out with the moms.
More S&M hints between Devdas and Paro. He sexily pulls a thorn from her foot "No don't force me, spare me." Are they going to do the proverbial "it" before the end of the movie? Is that how these things go down? "No," my friend tells me. "So anticlimactic in that sense. Just a lot of singing and hovering." Not so with Nollywood, she explains. "Then Bob raped Jane. Jane cried. Then the next day Jane had sex with Bob because she thought the rape was indication of interest. And then they lived happily ever after. Not making this up!"
Face slap! I propose a drinking game for Bollywood movies: face slaps and crying. You'd better bring watery beer. Ok, Paro's mom is standing up against this evil plot. That's right, they do love each other! He's sleeping in his billowy shirt and cravat. "I will brook no argument from you." "Nor do i wish to talk to you." (My notes don't say what that's from, but in the interests of including it in my vocabulary from now on, I'll put it in the review.)
Oh no, tension in the true love between Devdas and Paro because she's about to marry somebody else. Figures. Her eyes are Pepto Bismol pink.I guess she was crying. More S&M as Devdas hits Paro. Is that lamp still lit? Aaaaand another dance number. Are they getting married? Oh, no, just holding hands. Fast blinking! Trembling lips! Multiple tears!
Is Paro never going to do it with her new old husband? No? Well why in the world did he marry the beautiful peasant girl then?
"Let alone love, you don't deserve sympathy." oooo, cruel.
Oh wow, now this other hot girl wants to bonk him. Devdas, what is your secret?
This plot just keeps going and going.
Who is this sassy middle aged man, his uncle?
Devdas keeps insulting a prostitute. And now he's drunk and smashing bottles. "Who drinks to stay in control?!" he weeps. Now he's falling down some stairs. Why is this prostitute being so nice to him and putting up with all his crap? Look, if he loves the neighbor girl so much why didn't he just marry her? Why'd he have to not do that and then go yell at a prostitute? Dick. Oh, it's his dad's fault, he says. But now dad is dying, and Devdas is still drinking. Wait, who is THIS hot girl he's hanging out with? Are they dating now or something? She wants to caress his "chalice." Seriously, how has nobody gotten laid so far? I'm almost 2 hours in. Devdas: drunk at his dad's funeral. Devdas: living in a brothel. This guy is a mess.
Paro's eyes are Pepto Bismol pink again. "Look, here are all the things I stole from you over the years," bleats Devdas, goatily."You're good at math now." "Yes. I am." More crying (drink).
"Now I'm going to burn my house down," rasps Devdas throatily. Speech, mom is crying (drink). This house is out of control. It's enormous! Everybody keeps saying this brothel is "a hell like this," but honestly I don't see what's not to like. The prostitute, Chendramokee, is crying now because Paro is acting not like a bitch.
If this movie is to be believed, people in India walk around beautifully being sexually repressed while crying and dancing about things. "I love Devdas." "I only worship him." Heaven knows why. Now it looks like they're insinuating the three of them could have a threesome, but I know better. Now he's on a boat complaining about his dad. And crying. And then Devdas gets off the boat, accosts a priest, and threatens to kill himself. He walks slowly into the river, still slapstickingly drunk. His chubby uncle friend calls madly after him even though Devdas is still only, like, 2 yards away. Dance number! Lots of colors and catchy music about, "the throb that sways my heart, my soul." Some gloriously mustachioed guy who's plotting something looks menacingly over the banister at the dance number, chewing something. More dancing. Plotting. Ok he springs this thing on them where he's all, "You're a WHORE, and YOU are her PAL!" and she's all, "YOU are a real ASSHOLE! Grandma listen to me." Slap to the face (drink).
Also, I think Chandramukhi (the prostitute) just called conniving guy a sister fucker.
Whoah, old man husband forbids Paro from ever leaving the house. Hypocrite. More Pepto Bismol. Did grandma just threaten to kill her? Oh, no, once again I completely misunderstood the metaphor. By, "put out the fire that destroys your house," she means the literal fire that Paro keeps lit that metaphorically symbolized Devdas but definitely not her love for him as established earlier.
I should learn some of these dance moves.
Wah! Devdas is crying and coughing up blood! The doctor says that alcohol is poison to him so they should try to keep him in a good mood. Fat chance, the dude has been sulking for the last two hours despite multiple devastatingly attractive girls throwing themselves at him.
Anyway, they're crying about it."They will call me a courtesan who cannot enact a farce." I guess the logic, let alone the enormity, of this particular situation is failing to impress itself upon me. Devdas finally falls for the courtesan. More crying. "I must meet myself before I lose myself," warbles Devdas. Oh. So I guess he's going to leave this incredibly beautiful girl who can't get enough of him too. Okie doke, now we're on a train with Devdas, chugging across the country while his servant cries about it. Oh no, his jovial chubby poet uncle friend is on the train too and is tempting him to drink!
The cross country jaunt was short lived. The voice over reverbs at him to go die on Paro's doorstep. He falls at her door, breathing his last, and hopefully she'll run there in time to say goodbye. This house is big, so it takes a solid 5 minutes for her to make it to the front door. The gate closed! And now he's dead.
Whew! What a whirlwind that was. It really was beautiful. The music:catchy, the melodrama: melodramatic, the English: colonial, the characters: largely incomprehensible. I have a real sense of...accomplishment. Maybe it was the studious note taking. Perhaps it was the marriage wrecking 3 hour run time. Maybe it was writing a review that, to me, reads in exactly the same style that the movie watches. Would I recommend it? Yep. 3 out of 4 hard-ish lemonades! May your friends stay on fire as long as Paro's eternal flame, and unlike every last character in the movie, may you eventually get laid.
Rating:
Posts
i like how the symbols you used were pink hard lemonades. sort of the beer version of bollywood.
ReplyDeleteYes! Sanjeev, I was very deep with the hard lemonade, pink as Paro's eyes, and more than strong enough to poison our crabby hero.
ReplyDeleteDave, did you forget to mention how much you loved the lead actor, Shah Rukh Khan, of whom I am a loyal, die-hard fan? :)
ReplyDeleteI sure did! I was impressed by the amplitude with which he portrayed both emotions: smirking condescension, and entitled moodiness. I bet he could bring his trademark more-is-more approach to other equally impressive character modes such as princely boredom.
ReplyDeleteHaha, and you thought we were a normal people! Consider this a cultural awakening. And keep context the next time you engage us in a conversation.
ReplyDeleteGreat review. You should totally do more if you dare.